I've had a lot of disappointment in the last couple of weeks. Besides dealing with my Papa's death, there have just been several things of varying importance that I've wanted, but didn't get. And frankly, I'm kind of used to getting my way - not all the time, but a good percent of it - so my spoiled-ass self has been a little bit thrown by all this stuff going on that I really can't do anything about.
This morning, I ran 3 miles. Right now, I'm concentrating on getting faster. I'm working on basic form, too, concentrating on pumping my arms back and forth instead of from side to side, which seems to come more naturally for me, but apparently doesn't allow the lungs to open up as well. Just that one tiny thing has actually made a difference, too.
Anyway, I got outside, and it was a lot cooler than it has been lately. Heat kicks my ass quicker than anything else does when I'm running, and I already can't wait until fall - I have a feeling that I'm going to be seriously miserable when August rolls around. I started to run, and realized pretty quickly that I was in no mood whatsoever for a slow, easy run. So I did the entire run at 30 seconds to a minute and a half above my usual pace. And it felt GOOD. It was the best run I've had in awhile, actually. It's definitely time to step it up a bit, and I'm glad I'm concentrating on speedwork right now.
The main reason why it felt so good, I think, was because finally, here was something that didn't disappoint. It was a far better run than I expected. It also occurred to me that running is one of the few things in my life over which I have total autonomy. I decide when it's time to improve. I decide what I want to train for, and how I want to train for it. I decide when, and I decide where. I can decide to follow a comfortable, habitual route, or I can try a new one. I can change my mind midway through, even, and no one can tell me not to. My running is completely up to me, and the only way I can end up disappointed with it is if I let myself down. Other than possible injuries, there aren't really any unforeseen circumstances that can keep me from reaching my goals, as long as I keep them reasonable and I'm willing to work toward them. And frankly? For being something that I'm solely responsible for, it's going pretty damned well, I have to say.
My body is still slowly improving, too. Yesterday, J was hugging me and commented on how much firmer I feel. My stomach's getting a tiny bit flatter, and although I still have quite a ways to go before I have the legs of a runner, I keep noticing new definition in my calves all the time.
God. I LOVE running.
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