Slogging

S ran with me this morning, 2 miles for a total of 11 completed on his Kids' Marathon.  He complained a little bit about how cold he was (it wasn't that bad), but when I reminded him that he didn't have to do it, that he could stop any time and I wouldn't get mad or disappointed because I only want him to do it if HE wants to, he'd freak.  "NOOO!  I want to run the marathon!!  I want to keep going!"

Spoken like a true runner.  You bitch and you moan, but in the end...you do it.  And you love it.  This morning after the run, he was happier, calmer and better behaved than usual.  He had NO complaints or arguments, which is just downright bizarre for him.  I doubt he noticed the difference, but I did.  He does his mama proud.

I'm damned proud of myself, too.  Four months ago, it would have been unthinkable to run 1/8 mile without dropping dead.  I'm still completely amazed by the fact that my 5-mile run this weekend felt fairly "easy," and 2 miles this morning was just NOTHING.  It was barely even a warm-up.  I'm in love with what I'm accomplishing every week, and how it makes me feel physically and mentally.  I can push myself a little bit more every time, and I can count on myself to be able to take it.  Running is a lesson in trust, as much as anything else.  You learn to trust whatever program you're following in order to train and improve, but really what you're doing is learning to trust yourself and your body.  And with trust comes respect.  It may be mostly a solitary sport, but you sure as hell develop a relationship with yourself, and that's really the only way to describe what happens on your runs.  As you begin to see what you're capable of, you change.  It changes your outlook, it changes your perception, it changes your philosophies.  I've tried various forms of diet and exercise, but the only physical thing I can think of that's brought about as much mental and emotional growth as running has so far is pregnancy.  It's THAT dramatic.

I'm not really sure what made me want to start the Couch-to-5k program.  Maybe I was bored and looking for a new challenge.  I don't know, and I don't really know what I expected to get out of it. 

I'm still so new at running, my shoes are barely broken in.  Although my clothes are fitting better and my shape is noticeably changing, I haven't lost an ounce of weight.  Running's not easy, and it requires a lot of me.  It requires more commitment and discipline than I'm usually willing to put into anything other than my family.  I've logged over 100 miles now, and those miles have cost me side stitches, mornings of getting up at buttcrack a.m., being outside in sub-zero temperatures, frozen extremities, a few days of limping on a hurt foot, a cortisone shot in the ass, shin splints, wincing in pain when I got out of bed every morning for several weeks because my heels were acting up, taking the time to stretch and lift weights instead of parking my ass in front of the TV with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, putting up with idiots at the gym when there was no place to run outside, spending my hard-earned money on good shoes, running clothes, sports bras and race entry fees, and the pain of remembering what I've lost every single time I've run since Lady died.

For the sense of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being that running gives back to me, for the enforced solitude and the opportunity to sort out my own head, and for the discipline and self-trust I've developed...you know what?  It's a fucking bargain.

Comments

[Thicket Dweller]

I love it! You said exactly EVERYTHING I feel about running. I'm so glad you decided to do it. I don't know if you remember leaving the comment on my blog that you were going to start the Couch Potato to 5K program, but you really inspired me by being inspired. :-) If it hadn't been for you, I likely would have quit. I'm totally serious. I love checking your progress. It keeps me going!

Run on!

[Finn]

Throw out the scale. Weight is just a number and means nothing. You're replacing fat with muscle; it's how you look and feel that says you're doing right. And you're doing right. Keep it up. I'm very proud of you!