Park Your Ass

To the colossally lazy woman in the Wal-Mart parking lot:

Let's recap, shall we?

The parking lot: half-full, with tons of spaces available.

You: driving in front of me down one of the lanes when you felt compelled to stop.  And sit.  Why?  Because someone was getting into their car in a spot an ENTIRE TWO SPACES closer to the door than the next nearest parking space, which you were right in front of and could have immediately parked in.  For whatever reason, however, you apparently felt compelled to sit there in your big wide SUV, blocking the entire lane so that I had to wait right there along with you while the person in this spot you absolutely just HAD to have took their sweet time pulling out.

So I sat.  And I sat.  And I sat.  And you finally got your space, didn't you?  Well, good for you, because I was then able to park in the spot that you didn't want, since it would have required you to detach your ass from the comfort and convenience of your vehicle a whole very daunting 10 feet further away from the door than you really wanted to, and that would have been disastrous, right?  Because the difference between the two spots was so massively huge that it would have taken just absolutely an eternity longer to walk into the store from the first spot that you could have taken.  And god forbid you be without climate control for an extra - gasp! - 5 seconds in this mid-sixties sunshine that we're having right now.

Furthermore, I have news for you: when you get inside the store, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WALK.  All by yourself, on your own two legs, just like you would have had to take that extra ten or so steps from the already-available parking space.  Last time I checked, Wal-Mart does not hire people who are designated to scoop us up and carry our asses around the store on a little satin pillow as soon as we walk through the door.  So either way, your worst phobia - that of actually being upright and moving around on your feet - was bound to become reality no matter how many decades and aeons you're willing to wait on a parking space that's infinitesimally closer to the entrance.  But really, there's no reason to hold the rest of us up while you're coping with that.

Truth be told, I'm not sure what you were thinking.  My theories on the subject went out the window when I parked in the spot that you would have taken had you been an actual rational human being with opposable thumbs, intelligent thought capabilities and the whole enchilada, and I STILL walked through the entrance ahead of you.  And if you hadn't made me sit there behind your pampered, shiftless self for half of forever, we could have BOTH been in and out of there sooner.

You are a thundering fucking moron.

That is all.

NOTE:  This was not an elderly person who had trouble walking, or anything like that.  She seemed to be perfectly able to get where she needed to go once she finally did get around to exiting her damned car.  So it's not like that little bit of distance made a real difference.

Comments

[Mitch McDad]

Just shoot her next time. :)

Seriously.

[KathyHowe]

You had me at:

"You are a thundering fucking moron."

Marry me. LOL

[Claude]

Hee. I have to wonder if she commandeered one of those electric scooters when she got inside.

[Em]

It always gives me great pleasure to take the more distant place and still manage to get in and out of the store more quickly. Time is not saved by sitting and waiting. Park, get out, get moving!